CHAPTER XXXII

Indian music was broadcast every day from the Indian barracks outside the barbed wire fence. The prisoners called it Neutral Music. Actually it was the sexiest music Liu had ever heard, not neutral at all. The tremulous, high-pitched singing seemed endless- The Chinese POWs in the camp were in no mood for music, however; it set their nerves on edge. To drown out the sound they banged pots and pans and yelled, "Beat down Mao Tse-tung! Beat down the Communist Party!"
The uncertainty was sapping their determination- They had not wanted to move to this new camp in the neutral area where they had to listen to "explanations" by Communist Chinese representatives trying to persuade them to go home. In several camps, Liu heard, anti-Communist prisoners, afraid that their captors would betray them and turn them back to the other side, staged sit-down strikes and riots. A little town of tents had been erected in the devastated area, spreading well outside the barbed wire on the south side. There were many lights and traffic
noises at night. It had become quite a city. But on the north side, where the Communists seemed to lie in wait for them, it was pitch-dark and quiet.
If the UN was not going to desert them, why had they been handed over to a Repatriation Committee of Neutral Nations? The Committee had said in a letter it wrote to them: "We guarantee that you will be free to ask for repatriation, which is your right . . . The explainers will tell you that you will lead a peaceful life after you go back to China and will be absolutely free-"
They felt trapped. After they were moved, they rioted several times, clashing with the patient Indian guards, ripping out enamel toilet fixture's to use as weapons. Once they threw all the pots, and pans outside the compound to show their determination to fast. Reporters thronged to take pictures of them and of the slogans they strung up, along the wire fence. The whole world was watching them, the reporters said. That was good; Chiao and his. friends felt certain that treachery would occur the moment the world's attention wandered.
Liu tried to reassure Chiao- "Just because the UN wouldn't give in on the question of cur repatriation, they've fought the war a year and a half longer- Think of all the lives it's cost them. Do you think they're going to ditch us after all that?"
But actually, he thought, who can tell about nations?' Nations are rightly referred to in the feminine gender. Like women they always reserve the right to change their minds.
He kept his doubts to himself. He did not even know if he really wanted to, go to Taiwan. Did he believe in Taiwan's future? Taiwan's future depends on the future' of the fight against Communism, he told himself. There are troops in Taiwan, and you have to fight Communism with troops. If you are going to insist on a fresh start, nothing will ever be done. Anyhow, no matter how clean the start might be, it might soon deteriorate. Things spoil so fast in this climate; that is life.
He talked to Chino a lot, just to boost up his own spirits- Chiao would have been surprised if he had known that Liu was thinking about the idea of going to some neutral country like India, together with Chiao. There was no reason why they could not make a living there, even if it would be difficult at first. Su Nan would like that, if she were alive to know. That was what she wanted, wasn't it? That he should live out his life in peace- Leave her out of it, he said to himself. You've avoided thinking about her for so long- And now you use her as an excuse for what you want yourself-
Then he told himself that actually it took a lot of courage to start life all over again in a strange land. The men who had left home to settle in the unknown lands of America and Australia had been fleeing from something too, hadn't they? Except that what had been courage in the 18th century some people might call cowardice in the 20th.
What's going to happen if everybody runs away? But it was difficult to think of himself in large terms. There's always room for one man somewhere. Just because the men who ruled China had ruined part of his life, must he give up the rest of it too?
Or instead of going to India or South America or wherever else they would let him in, should he say goodbye to Chiao and go to Taiwan? Chiao had had enough of soldiering, he was through fighting for or against anybody. But -Liu wasn't so sure now that the forces on Taiwan would never get back to the mainland. Propaganda back home boasted that Taiwan was finished and its capture was only a matter of time and a few lives. He saw things differently now after the last few months. The determination of thousands of fellow prisoners not to go back gave him hope. Suddenly, so much seemed possible. Thoughts of revenge were no longer pathetically futile, something he had always held back from telling anyone else through shame of his own helplessness-
Chiao and he were lucky enough to be among the first POWs to be sent down for the "explanations". They did not leave by the same truck- The other POWs gave the trucks a big send-off by beating on pots and pans and shouting slogans.
Everybody on the truck was excited, glad to get it over with. They were telling each other what abuses they were going to hurl at the explainers. One man, an older veteran, even demonstrated graphically how he was going to spit on them. But a cynic stopped them with "I'm not going to believe any of you. Not until I see you back in camp again tonight."
At the "explanation grounds" in the valley they were searched by Indian guards for hidden weapons, then taken to a tent to wait- They sat on the ground around a potbellied stove, and the Indian guard buttoned up the tent flap for them. Nobody felt much like talking. They waited a long time before an interpreter came in and read out a name from a list. But once they got started, the tent emptied quickly. The interviews seemed mercifully short.
Soon it was Liu's turn. Three hefty Indian guards escorted him to one of the thirty-two "explanation tents". Inside, eight tables stood in a row facing the entrance. The three Chinese seated at the center tables confronting Liu must be the Communist "explainers"- The five foreigners on either side would be representatives of the neutral nations. Liu had faced similar boards of examiners before in his university days, except for the array of interpreters that stood at their back. There were two exits behind the tables, one on either side, both with the flaps down- No signs were hung above the exits; there were no signs of any kind in the large khaki tent. The symmetry of the whole picture and the smooth, inscrutable bareness of khaki were somehow a little frightening. The thought flickered through Liu's mind that if he got too excited he might lose his head and go out the wrong exit.
Not taking any chances that he might try to attack the questioners like other prisoners had, two guards held tight his arms and another guard hooked a hand inside his belt as they marched him to the chair facing the center table.
"Please sit down," said the pleasant-looking, youngish man at the center. Liu saw that they had picked him for his looks and his amiability- The other two Communist representatives flanking him were a more familiar type to Liu, somber and grim.
Liu felt a bit breathless as he sat there- The third guard still kept his thick fingers- hooked in the back of Liu's belt- Several prisoners had tried to rise and hurl the chair at the interrogators.
The Indian officer at the end table made a short. speech. His interpreter repeated each sentence in Chinese: "We are the representatives of the five neutral nations- You have refused to go back. These explainers from the Chinese People's Volunteers wish to talk to you and ask you several questions. If you feel that you are being coerced, you can refuse to answer-"
The explainer in the middle began by stating gravely. "We represent the Chinese people who hold out their hand to welcome you back to the arms of the fatherland." When Liu did not answer he went on to say; "We know you have suffered greatly. And you have made mistakes- But you are young- You ought to think of your future. The Chinese people know that you made those mistakes because the imperialists mistreated and tortured you. The Chinese people are ready to forgive you. Your future belongs in China-"
His voice droned on, repeating the old platitudes Liu's ears had been free of the last few months. Liu mentally shut the voice out. What had the man said - "You're young and your life lies before you."
But my life is over, Liu thought, my chance to get the things I wanted from life is already gone. What would India be like, he wondered fleetingly. Chiao could become a real friend, the first he'd had for a long time- India might not be so bad. But it was too late for that.
And Taiwan? Most of the prisoners were ready to go there- Some of them told each other, "It's the only way to go back home- Even if we have to fight our way back-"
But he was 'not a soldier, only a cadre who hadn't made the grade- It would mean waiting — and he could never escape his thoughts of Su Nan. But there was one thing he could do.
"I want to go back," he said abruptly.
The examiner stopped his droning speech. "You want to, go back? he asked- For an instant he looked surprised and disappointed that his speech had been cut short, then quickly arranged his face in a broad smile.
"Tao, very good." he said, "We welcome you back to the arms of the People." Flanked by the two, other cadres he rose ceremoniously and shook hands with Liu. The mask-like faces of other two did not change.
"Straight through the door to the north," one of them said without expression. The guard holding his belt released him and he walked toward the swaying tent flap. People, say that when you are dying you can remember your whole life in a flash. Thoughts tumbled through his mind as he walked toward the exit- What was Chiao going to think when he returned to camp tonight and found that Liu was not coming back- That was the worst thing — to have Chiao think that he had been swayed by the eloquence of some explainer at the last moment. And all the time he had seemed so sure, urging Chiao to be firm. Chian would despise him now.

Even if he did get a chance to see Chiao again, he could never find the words to explain why he was going back. What waited for him at the end of the truck ride through the truce zone and past the Communist lives, he wondered- It would undoubtedly be unpleasant. There would be interrogations and he'd have to write confessions and he'd be punished. One thing was lucky — he hadn't had himself tattooed like Chiao-
But he would survive the punishment. And he would be able to march in the parades and shout the slogans again — he'd shout louder than anybody else. They'd never completely trust him again, of course, but he'd work hard at any job they gave him, study the books, join the campaigns, help to, hunt down the saboteurs and counter-¬revolutionaries when they told him to.
And all the while he'd keep hidden the slow flame of hatred. He'd wait — he was in no hurry now. Ten years, twenty years; his chance would come. As long as one man like him remained alive and. out of jail, the men who ruled China would never be safe. They're afraid, too, he thought, afraid of the people they rule by fear.
There was the truck to take him back. There were two other prisoners waiting; they had changed their minds, too. For the same reason? He looked at them closely, and they gazed back without expression- The military guards watched them a bit nervously.
It was a pity about Chiao. But having lost so much had accustomed him to losses and made it easier to throw away what there was left, even the last friend he had.

Su Nan would not like what he was doing. But he was on his own now. And being a woman she would be happy about it in the end.
For the first time since her death she came to his mind without making him cringe with shame. He had felt so bad about it all, he had never let himself remember if he could help it.
It would be good to be able to think of her once in a while-

THE END